The Shoe Killer

The code of the merciless shoe killer: All shoes, boots and sandals must be (1) comfortable and (2) super cute and (3) fit in the bottom of half of a small Brooklyn apartment closet, with frequently worn shoes permitted access to the bottom of a small IKEA bookshelf and a single pair of snow boots allowed safe haven in the hall closet. There are to be no off-season shoes in the sock/underwear/utensil/spice drawers, on top of the art supply cabinet, or under the crib.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a shoe killer. Or a shoe abandon-er, anyway. After a lifetime of near-hoarderism (we're talking saving napkins with scribbles on them), something in my packrat soul just snapped last year. Maybe it was the repeated listening to motivational anti-clutter audiobooks, maybe it was Pregnancy Brain.

Either way, I finally lined up my overflow shoes, took a long last lingering look over their straps and buckles, their cute rounded toes, their retro feel, their adorable detailing and sturdy heels... and shot them. For the eBay auction gallery.

• The Victim: Brown Mary Janes with Scalloped Suede Detailing (Kenneth Cole Reaction)
  
• The Motive: Despite love of Mary Janes and sturdy low heels, repeatedly found excuses to wear other shoes instead. Perhaps it was the square toes, perhaps the lack of sock lining.
• Regrets: None. Cute shoes deserve to be worn.

The same cruel fate befell two other pairs of similar kitten heels. Even red top-stitching couldn't save these babies:

• The Victim: Strappy Silver Metallic Almost-Wedding Sandals (Van Eli)
  
• The Motive: I bought two similar styles on Zappos for my wedding in 2007, and these never made it down the aisle.
• Regrets: Eh. I hardly have use for one pair of metallic strappy heels, never mind two. But we had some good times:
  

• The Victim: Chartreuse Wedge Sandals (Born)
  
• The Motive: Atoning for a DSW impulse buy. I'm all about chartreuse everything, but after hobbling around in them at a gallery opening one night, I learned my lesson about wooden wedges and about fake "arch support" areas.
• Regrets: I regret nothing.

• The Victim: Mid-calf Black Leather Boots (Timberland)
  
• The Motive: I can only fit two pairs of boots in my closet--one flat pair, one heeled pair--and the other heeled pair was cuter.
• Regrets: We'll always have my Cavalier-and-Klay-inspired "Luna Moth" Halloween costume from 2004 (sewn up with some random Simplicity fairy costume pattern):
  

• The Victim: Sling-back black Mary Jane heels with patent leather toe (Cole Haan)
  
• The Motive: Um... WHAT WAS I THINKING? Probably something like "I'm so pregnant I will never wear heels again, even really amazingly cute heels that I got on a ridiculous sale and that are both sexy and work appropriate and only slightly uncomfortable and are super awesome pretty shoes that go with everything and didn't even sell for much on eBay and will never come back in my life again..." Crap.
• Regrets: I don't want to talk about it. I'M SO SORRY.

And finally, because this is Polka Dot Overload, after all:

• The Victim: My only pair of polka dot shoes in the whole wide world (Privo by Clarks)
  
• The Motive: When I saw them on eBay, it felt like destiny: red polka-dot flats from Clarks for $14? I thought my feet would love them forever...

  Until they arrived and I realized they had no arch support, made my size 10 feet look like giant boats, and reminded Masheka of Minnie Mouse.

• Regrets: I regret only that I had but one pair of polka dot shoes to give for... Er...

It's been almost a year. As I look back I can't help shed a tear or two sometimes for my shoes gone past...

But it's nice to be able to open the medicine cabinet without sandals falling on my head.

How's your spring cleaning going? Have you given any shoes the boot?

P.S. In my next post: the shoe survivors.

Photo in Wanted illustration by Márta Fodor.