"Congratulations! When are you due?"
"Mommy, how come your belly looks so OLD and WRINKLY and PREGNANT?"
The first comment is from a nurse when I went for a doctor's visit several weeks after giving birth. The second is from my daughter, who happily has no clue as to why this sort of comment might make Mommy feel less than totally amazing.
I've tried over the years to develop a magic body image "bubble of peace", in which I dress for and embrace whatever size and shape I am at the moment, avoid incessantly comparing myself to others, and shut out impossibly Photoshopped and personal-trained skinny celebrity imagery. But sometimes it is harder than others and I really have to pull out the Joan photos and the pictures of some beautiful real-life moms and gorgeous women of all shapes and sizes to calm myself down. This is one of those times.
If you read this blog regularly, you might be wondering: what's with all the baby clothes and doll-making lately, Mikhaela? Where are the vintage patterns, fitted cardigans and otherwise body-conscious garments you used to sew for yourself?
Readers, eight weeks out from having my gorgeous little baby boy, I am in a serious postpartum style and body-image funk. I realized this week I really need to Do Something to Feel a Little Fancy or I might just sink under Mom Frump Lake never to be seen again. In fact, the photo at the top of this post IS me post-partum... with my previous baby, in 2010. Er...
Every day I feel like I wear the same thing: too-loose maternity top + too-loose maternity leggings/jeans + me-made wool socks + ugly old sneakers. I'm carrying diapering stuff in a disintegrating 10-year-old backpack. The only pretty accessories I'm wearing are my wraps and ring slings...
Luckily this guy is so cute hopefully no one is noticing.
Anyway. Right after D was born, I mostly lived in stretchy nursing nightgown/dresses (see one of my most popular blog posts ever: "Easy Access: Nursing Nightgowns that Double As Dresses"). You can't see my belly in this photo, but I still look rather pregnant.
And really, I still feel pregnant-looking today, and it is bumming me out. I feel silly feeling bad about the same belly I was so excited about when I was pregnant, but I have even been congratulated a few times on my pregnancy and it HURT (though I was with my baby at the time, so I was also PUZZLED).
I've lost over 32 pounds since giving birth, but I gained a whole lot more than that, and things are just CHANGED in various ways — my bust and waist are both 4" larger than pre-pregnancy (though my hips are just 2" larger), I have a 3-months-pregnant-looking tummy, and everything is just more, I don't know. Squishy? And I'm not going to get into nursing bras here (that's a whole post of its own!) but I'm currently rocking a 34I (as opposed to my previous 32E).
So rather than sitting around in milk-covered old maternity clothes and feeling sorry for myself, I think I need to take some thrifty body-im-limbo wardrobe rebuilding action. Here's my little plan so far:
1. Stop wearing maternity clothes. Just STOP.
I think I am at the point now where it is no longer cool or working for me. I may still live in leggings and stretchy skirts and knit tops for a while, but I would like them to be actually fitted and not baggy around the middle. I've sold most of my nicer maternity clothes on eBay and given away or donated the rest.
2. Assess my pre-pregnancy items and TNT sewing patterns for fit & nursing friendliness
"One size fits sizes 2-12. Seriously." So goes the tagline
on a pretty Gala wrap dress from Karina I was ogling for inspiration the other day. It's way out of my budget but just the sort of thing I need to make or buy right now — nursing-friendly, super-stretchy, a bright and distracting print, fitted and curve-hugging, but not too tight around the belly.Luckily I have always been a fan of knits, stretchy things, wrap styles and surplice tops. A few of my me-made dresses have necklines too high and tight for a breastfeeding mom, but most are just fine. As far as TNT items I hope to sew again, I think I might do a few variations on my McCall's 6070 dress, maybe a top version too. I don't look like this in it right now, but it totally still works on me:
And I think I can play around with versions of my beloved Jalie 2921 scarf-collar top, which somehow still fits as well:
My me-made handknit sweaters are holding up just fine, and hopefully I can finish up my Hetty cardigan by Andi Satterlund in time for Me Made May... here's where I left her:
As for fabrics to make tops and dresses in, I have plenty of ITY and rayon jerseys waiting in the stash:
From Spandex House:
From Mood:
3. Fill major wardrobe holes.
The biggest gaps are in the jeans/legging, shoe and nursing top categories. As much as I'd love to try my hands at a pair of high-waisted Gingers, I'm not going to sew fitted jeans while my body is still so much in flux, so I hunted down some cheap second-hand shapewear jeggings and leggings on eBay from Spanx and Yummie Tummie—we'll see how they fit.
I'm not sure what to do about shoes right now. I somehow seem to have destroyed most of my comfortable flats by walking them to death while pregnant.
I picked up some nursing tops on deep deep sale from BOOB nursingwear, thrifted a few non-nursing tops and camisoles that work just as well for that purpose, and hope to sew some for the Small Human Being Sew-Along.
4. Embrace shapewear.
I've always had a few shapewear items to wear under special occasion dresses, but I think at least for now I might start wearing such things on a more daily basis. (That's more vintage style anyway, isn't it? Right?)
5. Never talk myself down or talk about weight in front of my daughter.
Which is apparently working, given her comments referenced at top. I felt like I was going to cry, but she was just genuinely curious—my squishy post-baby belly was just interesting to her.
6. Get fancied up for the camera
This always helps, and is one of the reasons I love Me Made May. Just the act of PLANNING what I am going to wear knowing that blog readers will be watching and putting on a tad of makeup instead of just throwing on WHATEVER... well, it helps. (Edited to add — speaking of photos, how awesome does this mother of three look in her bikini, with her squishy belly and stretch marks? Maybe a smile is the best accessory here!)
(By the way — if I had the budget, I would totally book a session with retro pinup style photographers Shameless Photo—they do hair, makeup and wardrobe as part of their packages and their photos are just amazing!)
Anyway, that's my tentative "fight the new-mom frump" plan. So: what do YOU wear when nothing fits?
P.S. Back in my pre-mom cartoonist days, I used to draw a sarcastic regular series about body image called "Your Yucky Body." One installment I did was about the rise of the "Mommy Job", a popular package of post-partum plastic surgery. I think nowadays this cartoon maybe feels a bit judgmental to me of women who choose to have plastic surgery, but I think my real point was more about how women are made to feel ashamed if they don't somehow "bounce back" and have flat stretch-mark-less bikini bodies weeks after giving birth:
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Amen to every bit of this!! (And my nearly two year old loved looking at these pics of Baby D).
ReplyDeleteAw, he is a real cutie-pie! I saw on your blog you are due in just weeks, too—so you know where I'm at!
DeleteThis was a great post! Even before pregnancy, I struggled with dressing myself up. I'm not sure if it's just laziness or that I can be kind of a tom-boy sometimes, but "getting dressed up" has taken a lot of effort for me to develop the routine for that. Left to my own devices, I will not shower and just wear whatever clothing item I grab from the floor that doesn't smell too bad, and proceed to venture out in public... only to find myself feeling grubby and unattractive. So I've developed rules for myself about how I have to take a shower and I have to make a nominal effort to put on an outfit that will make me feel good about myself. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and there were days during the first trimester when this felt like a herculean effort, but it always made me feel so much better about myself. I can totally imagine myself post-partum, living day-in and day-out in the same spit-up stained floppy clothes, without showering or making any effort whatsoever to look nice, and I think your post is a really great reminder to try and avoid this tendency of mine.
ReplyDeleteThis totally made me laugh. And you are right, it is not so much that I want to dress up for OTHER people, but dressing up just always cheers me up and makes me feel good about myself. At the end of my pregnancy when I was on partial bedrest, I feel like I had just given up, almost — I had stopped wearing dresses and was just in "Top + Leggings + Sneakers" every day. I had to force myself to actually put on real clothes (not just what basically amounted to pajamas) and go and get a pedicure. It definitely helped.
DeleteAnd post-partum, it is SO tempting to just wear a milk-spattered nursing tank and pair of milk-spattered leggings and call it an outfit (and I DID do that for over a month but I think it's time for a change now).
The post-baby body is such a struggle because it continues to change and shift around for so long. I love that you are encouraging yourself by planning and embracing what your body is right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It is a struggle — a moving target, who knows where it will end up in a year or two?! But I can't wait that long to feel OK about myself, right?
DeleteI still struggle with this years out: being pregnant more times than children produced dug up a lot of body issues I had buried very very deeply.So I made myself some rules (and I hate rules):
ReplyDeleteWear real clothes every day (waistbands, even if they are embarassingly longer than they once were).
Wear what makes you happy, not what you think 'fat people' should wear.
Skip one 'cute baby' outfit and get a 'beautiful woman' outfit. Money is tight. Buy something of quality you've always wanted. Save for it if necessary. Thrift stores are useful. And then WEAR IT.
Dry clean only is verboten.
You know those 'fat people' who rock it every day? Or those 'ugly people' who do the same?
They are all of us. They are me, they are you, they are us. Only they believe.
Those are excellent rules! I will admit I am not so much on the waistbands at the moment, but maybe when my weight more settles in one place. And yes, "wear what makes you happy", not clothes that make you feel like you have to hide yourself. I like close-fitting clothes, not muu-muus.
DeleteI love this post and you are doing great! I went through this too. Wore tons of stretchy, hug-me tops and dresses while pregnant and then...hated the way they fit once that baby was out. You're smart to put the maternity clothes away and get back into "regular" stuff. Maybe find yourself an inexpensive pair of jeans with some stretch, even if they're a size bigger than you normally wear? They'll hold stuff in and make you feel sleeker and I bet you could find some for <$20 at a Marshalls... Such a beautiful baby, congrats!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I hear you. After my third child I looked pregnant for about six months and it really got me down. My tummy is still flabby and too big in comparison to the rest of me nearly three years down the line. I put off buying new clothes as I figured my weight would go back to normal. It hasn't but I finally feel ready to buy or sew some fitted clothes that fit my new tummy. Good luck on your quest.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I hear you. After my third child I looked pregnant for about six months and it really got me down. My tummy is still flabby and too big in comparison to the rest of me nearly three years down the line. I put off buying new clothes as I figured my weight would go back to normal. It hasn't but I finally feel ready to buy or sew some fitted clothes that fit my new tummy. Good luck on your quest.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see what you sew up. It is really a privilege to be able to make something that fits well (and that you can alter later if you need to!)
ReplyDeleteHaving had three large babies and having gained 50+ pounds with each kid, I can say that it really helps to not get fixated on how your body is now...things change. My post-pregnancy body was depressing me at times and it was hard to dress, but then after a year of breast feeding, everything changed and shifted again. Then when I was diagnosed with and medicated for hypothyroid, everything changed again. Now that I am in my early 40's, shape-shifting related to aging is happening. With all the changes of motherhood and aging, I have found it powerful to praise my body for what it is capable of, instead of looking at what it isn't. Our bodies give life and nourishment to babies, have sex, lift things, see, hear and taste things, create things, cook things, fix things, move and dance. We can dress in whatever makes us feel good and quite frankly, what works for what we do. This viewpoint has helped me a lot over all the years of change, especially at down times. My poochy belly that was once flat gave me three 9 pound babies. I am darn proud of that bulge. My stretch marks are my "racing stripes," and my arms and legs are still strong from lugging around babies and running after toddlers. Of course, this cheerful attitude doesn't magically produce a well-fitting wardrobe in your closet--if only! For that, I sew and thrift.
I would say that if you have any silk or dry clean only clothes, put them away until nursing is over, mother's milk and baby spit up ruined so many of my favorite things!
"Racing stripes" --I love that!
DeleteHoney - I totally understand how you're feeling. My kid's going to be 15 yo on Thursday and I can completely recall how endlessly hideous I felt post partum. For me, it lasted a very long time because I also experienced post partum depression and anxiety which went untreated. I was a sleep-deprived nut-case who could only manage by eating bags of cookies. Those were not good times.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, I also remember the day I realized it had to change, and it was so empowering. I think your solutions to overcome new mom frump are terrific. And let me say that, just the fact that you actually know your bra size right now - and are wearing bras that fit - is a boon. It's impossible to get your mojo back while wearing a bra that doesn't fit.
Also, and I know you know this, when you have a baby your body does change shape in some ways, sometimes permanently. That doesn't mean that you won't return to your previous proportions - the ones you know and love - but, much as with all of the meaningful physical transitions in life - there are shifts and it's sometimes difficult to manage those with grace. Ask me how I know. :-) I'm here to tell you, though, that I felt better about having my body after having a baby (well, once I lost the cookie weight), shifts notwithstanding, than ever I did before. Perhaps I wasn't technically as perfect, but I could recognize my beauty all the more for having briefly lost it. And recognizing one's physical resilience is a beautiful thing.
Can't wait to see you sew up some lovely new things that work for you for this stage - and as you segue to the next.
Thanks for writing this post. 14 years after giving birth, I still look a little bit pregnant. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIt's tough living in the land of super-flat stomachs (coastal LA and Boulder) and I have to remind myself to stop comparing my body to others'.
Oh mama, I feel ya! My body has not yet completely recovered from the two-kids thing, although I'm feeling pretty okay where I'm at right now, because I dunno, what's the alternative? Diet, exercise, and feeling shitty about myself? Not my bag.
ReplyDeleteI have some thoughts. Express high waisted jeggings are AWESOME. They look super cute and cover up the tummy and they gently hold things in. I have them in denim and black and they are my casual staple.
As far as sewing, I've embraced something a bit less body conscious (although there is NO reason you shouldn't be showing off your bod!) and really love the Plantain t-shirt pattern and the many other flowy tops out there. Plaintain is great for nursing from the top because it has a low neckline, too. Hang in there! Make yourself clothes that help you feel put together and nice NOW. You can do it! I love the body-positive message you've always shared on your blog, now listen to your own message and do some fun selfish sewing!
P.S. I wear a 32F these days, and that's after the boobs calmed down from the first months of breastfeeding Maggie. :-)
DeleteOh, this post was so timely! I was just thinking the other day that I really need to stop wearing leggings and tank tops like they're real clothes. Some days (okay, most days), though, it doesn't seem worth the effort to find a top that is nursing accessible in my wardrobe, so I just keep wearing the same three button-up shirts (and I normally hate button-up shirts!) and I swear, my hair has been in a ponytail for six months straight. Even if the SHB sewalong is meant to be for making baby-related things, I might have to try to squeeze in sewing a fabulous dress that has nothing to do with nursing accessibility just to remind myself that I have an identity outside of being a mom.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could make one of your famous fitted bedsheet superhero dresses but with buttons or a zipper up the front? :)
DeleteUgh, new mom body issues are no fun. I think some of it is just hormones, too. Your plan sounds like a good one, though. But just remember that this time will pass soon! Baby D is adorable!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. Feeling all of this on top of the lack of sleep and the hormone exhaustion that is milk making, it's so rough. D is amazingly cute.
ReplyDeleteKnits, knits, knits. They're so wonderful--stretchy, comfortable, and they drape so well on you without the fiddly fit issues. I've written before that maternity/post partum sewing is like trying to hit a moving target while blindfolded and hopping on one foot. I look back at the graveyard of dead bras nursing has left in its wake, and I've changed no less than 8 times in cup and band size. I envy those in the sewing blog world making all of their bras and have yet to join their ranks because I don't know if I've stabilized yet in my size. I'm so with you on nursing bras. I have no idea who those are made for!
You look beautiful, and your plan is excellent. I love the graphic quality of the blue rose print!
I feel for you. Feeling all of this on top of the lack of sleep and the hormone exhaustion that is milk making, it's so rough. D is amazingly cute.
ReplyDeleteKnits, knits, knits. They're so wonderful--stretchy, comfortable, and they drape so well on you without the fiddly fit issues. I've written before that maternity/post partum sewing is like trying to hit a moving target while blindfolded and hopping on one foot. I look back at the graveyard of dead bras nursing has left in its wake, and I've changed no less than 8 times in cup and band size. I envy those in the sewing blog world making all of their bras and have yet to join their ranks because I don't know if I've stabilized yet in my size. I'm so with you on nursing bras. I have no idea who those are made for!
You look beautiful, and your plan is excellent. I love the graphic quality of the blue rose print!
At 6 weeks post-partum, I am totally feeling you. I am just living in milk soaked target knit shirts and leggings. I really need to go through my clothes, like you said, and see what fits and what works with breastfeeding...
ReplyDelete